Compassionate Communication

1 A note in advance
2 What is non-violent communication?
3 Goals of non-violent communication
4 Who uses non-violent communication, for what purposes, and how can it be learned?
5 How to use non-violent communication
6 Another helpful communication tool
7 The normativity of communication tools
8 Limitations
9 In sum
10 Literature
11 Further information

A note in advance

Within this article, we build on and define the line of thinking of "Compassionate communication" to encompass notions such as non-violent communication and conscious dialogue. Hence, we integrate diverse approaches within our article, focussing mainly on two communication tools that can help to promote positive, mutually empathetic communication. Although the following approaches have been developed with a focus on personal relationships, they can also be applied in professional contexts, which is our main aim here. We define compassion as the wish that all beings may be free from suffering.

What is non-violent communication?

Non-violent communication is a way of communicating that allows you to recognize and express your observations, feelings, needs and requests. The (therapeutic) approach was developed and popularized mainly by Marshall Bertram Rosenberg and his book "Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life”, in which he summarizes and systematically presents his experiences as a couple’s therapist. Rosenberg’s underlying premise is that healthy communication is about giving and receiving. One person takes the time to [Empathetic Listening listen empathetically] and treat the other with respect, while the other gives from the heart by opening up and expressing their observations, sentiments, needs and underlying desires. It aims to build a deeper understanding of each other in both professional and personal relationships. Thus, non-violent communication can reduce misunderstandings and strengthen the interpersonal relationship. However, although Rosenberg presents many positive examples, non-violent communication is not applicable to everyone in every situation. The aim of this article is to give you an insight into the reasons why non-violent communication can serve as a communication tool in your personal and professional life, but also where the limitations lie.

Goals of non-violent communication

The central idea of non-violent communication is to reflect on your own thought and language patterns. Especially in tense situations when emotions dominate, disrespectful expressions often escalate into inconstructive communication, that leads to further arguments, rather than listening to and understanding each other. Such ‘life-alienating communication’ can include moral judgements, blame, accusations, criticism, comparisons, the denial of responsibility and the making of demands (cf. Rosenberg, 2016, p. 35). All of these expressions can occur in the workplace as well as in private life and prevent empathetic interaction, often resulting in conflicts, misunderstandings, unpleasant feelings and a tense and even unproductive working atmosphere. In his book, Rosenberg clarifies what the problem with these expressions is and how the use of non-violent communication can solve it (Rosenberg, 2016). Within a specific social interaction, taking a step back to reflect on your underlying feelings, motives and needs can reduce your stress level and calm down the situation. The goal is to act more consciously and less impulsive. It can help to step back for a moment and gain some distance. This can be in relation to conflicts with a counterpart or in relation to internal conflicts. The use of non-violent communication in tense conversations can de-escalate and ease the situation. Reflection questions include: What observations am I making? What feelings are being triggered? And what is the underlying need - for the other and for myself? At least that would be a desirable outcome. However, the other person may be demanding a quicker response, or your emotions may be too strong for you to pause for thought. In the next section we will examine who uses non-violent communication and for which specific purposes.

Who uses non-violent communication, for what purposes, and how can it be learned?

Non-violent communication can be used and explored by anyone and is used in diverse fields and environments. The use of non-violent communication can be learnt very well through self-study or in groups (Holler, 2016, S.17). non-violent communication is often used in the context of education, relationships counseling, training programs, conflict mediation, healthcare and work with people in the area of public order and safety (Rosenberg, 2016). The purpose of its use is to resolve conflicts, prevent aggressive situations between people, offensive language, bullying, the use of derogatory terms, threats and physical aggression (Adriani et al. 2024). Consequently, non-violent communication can improve relationships and the environment, reduce emotional exhaustion and competition, and thus increase life and work satisfaction. It can also contribute positively to individual skills such as leadership, communication, teamwork, empathy and higher productivity (Adriani et al. 2024).

There is literature and online blogs that provides tips, exercises and experiences on the application of non-violent communication (e.g. Holler, 2016). One such exercise can be to deal with questions such as ‘What behaviour do I want from my counterpart in a difficult situation?’ and ‘What am I prepared to give myself in a tough situation?’ and to collect and discuss the answers on a flipchart, for example (Holler, 2016, p. 21). While non-violent communication was developed for personal relationships, it can also be helpful and applicable in the workplace. It is important to emphasize that there is no single right place or moment to use non-violent communication. To be more precise, there is also no ONE correct application of non-violent communication. Rosenberg provides a clear guideline with four steps and exercises of non-violent communication, but it has to be evaluated based on the context of a given situation or relation, which type of communication is useful and effective. Any form of intervention of behaviour based on non-violent communication training needs to be learned and practiced, as it can only feel intuitive based on personal experience and the necessary adaptation to your own behaviour and challenges.

How to use non-violent communication

This section briefly introduces the four components of the non-violent communication model (Rosenberg, 2016, p. 21). These are:

1. observations 2. feelings 3. needs 4. requests

The first step is to share your observation with the other person. Observations are important to let the other person know how you feel (Rosenberg, 2016, S.38). Ideally, you should separate observation from judgement. By judging, the other person may hear criticism and turn back or away from you, which should not be your aim. Avoid saying "You are...". Even if you fill this sentence with a seemingly positive term such as "multi-talented", it is a form of pigeonholing. This can put pressure on the other person, so try to avoid labelling a person as something. Instead, try to stick to your own impressions and feelings. Words that tend to lead to a judgement are *frequent* and *rare*, and terms like *always, never, every time*, but only when they are used in an exaggerated way (Rosenberg, 2016, p.43). Overall, try to reflect on your language patterns and try to distinguish between observations and judgements to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.

The second step involves accepting and expressing your emotions. This step is particularly helpful in tense conversations that could lead to conflict. Distinguishing sentiments from thoughts is important here (Rosenberg, 2016, p. 51). The beginning of a sentence: “I have the feeling that...” and similar sentence beginnings are a trap and, in most cases, do not describe an emotion but a thought. Let's take the sentence: “I have the feeling that you should have told me that”. Apart from the fact that this sentence sounds like an accusation, it doesn't describe a feeling, but our interpretation of the other person. The underlying emotion would probably be hurt or tense. There are [communicationacademy.com/media/non-violent communicationA/learning-tools/non-violent communicationA-feelings-needs.pdf(https://nvcacademy.com/media/NVCA/learning-tools/NVCA-feelings-needs.pdf) lists] and visualisations (Fig. 1) of sentiments that you can look at for practice and reflection to help you recognize them (e.g. Rosenberg, 2016, p. 54 ff.). Sharing your recognized emotions can lead to empathy and therefore calm an uncomfortable conversation or conflict. However, many people feel insecure and vulnerable about letting the other person know how they are feeling.

The third step includes expressing your underlying needs. They often go hand in hand with feelings and here too there are [communicationacademy.com/media/non-violent communicationA/learning-tools/non-violent communicationA-feelings-needs.pdf(https://nvcacademy.com/media/NVCA/learning-tools/NVCA-feelings-needs.pdf) lists] to look up and reflect on. You feel good when your needs are met and bad when they are not. What others say is therefore never the cause of our sentiments, but merely the trigger. This can help you not to blame yourself or take responsibility for the emotional states and thoughts of others. You cannot change other people and their inner selves, only your own actions and communication can be positively influenced. You should take responsibility for your own feelings.

In a final step, the non-violent communication calls for a request to be made. Care should be taken here not to formulate a request and to use a positive choice of words. This is achieved by saying what you want rather than what you don't want. Saying what you want leads to the necessary clarity. People often react empathetically to a request because they are not criticized or made to feel guilty. The right choice of words is therefore crucial for respectful and positive interaction. The aim is to strengthen openness and empathy in the conversation and generally in the relationship with the person.

An example statement from group or project work that includes the four steps could look like this: I can see that the tasks we assigned to you in the meeting were not completed by the deadline. This triggers a feeling of disappointment as it doesn't fulfil my needs for reliability and cooperation. I would like us both to stick to our agreements or communicate early on if we are not going to complete the tasks on time.

Another helpful communication tool

The book “Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit” (“The truth begins in pairs”) by Micheal Lukas Moeller deals with the fact that we have to learn to talk to each other in meaningful ways (Moeller, 2020, S. 16). This means that we consciously take the time for a conversation and actively create a space in which we can listen to each other and address issues that concern us in terms of the relationship. To achieve this, Moeller introduces the self-help approach of conscious dialogue. A link can be created between the approach of conscious dialogue and non-violent communication by applying non-violent communication in the context of conscious dialogue. Both books and approaches were also written from a couple’s therapy perspective. It can help to have regular, personal and focused conversations with a counterpart, be it your partner, work colleague or best friend. A communication gap can become a threat to a relationship (Moeller, 2020, S.15). In order to be understood with your concerns, you need to talk to each other frequently and empathetically. As in non-violent communication, the conscious dialogue aims to show the other person how you are currently experiencing yourself and perceiving the other. Conscious dialogues give free rein to development. Nevertheless, certain conditions must be met (Moeller, 2020, S. 123). The framework stipulates that the conscious dialogue should take place at least once a week for an hour and a half or two hours. The conversation must not be too short and superficial, but it must also not stretch out and overwhelm the two people involved (Moeller, 2020, S. 253). A certain regularity contributes to the success of this method, but is also a criticism of the approach - that it would be too deliberate and forced for a meaningful conversation. However, you would never say that about another fixed date, such as a dinner or coffee together. Moeller aims to establish the two-person meeting as a fixed date. The conversation should be arranged in between the two of you and be undisturbed for both of you. The purpose of the conversation is to share your own fears, worries or other concerns and not to blame the other person or tell them how they are. The proportion of speaking time should be equally distributed. It can help to switch every 15 minutes to give the other person the opportunity to react to what has been said or to introduce a new topic. As with non-violent communication, the first time you use it feels unfamiliar and new. This can result in uncertainty. Here as well, regular application and reflection helps you to familiarize yourself with the respective approaches, adapt them and make them a habit.

The normativity of communication tools

Both communication tools mentioned here are normative and subjective because they are human constructs. Our choice of communication is also deeply normative, as it is based on our evaluations and values. The way we interpret what others are saying, and the way we respond by communicating, depends on our state of mind and the choices we make.

Limitations

There is controversy about the term non-violent communication itself. Some fear that the use of this term puts an emphasis on violence, rather than highlighting the actually underlying compassionate rationale. They argue that the very use of the term could draw attention to (verbal) violence. Others say it is good and necessary to mention that violence can be verbal. They argue that non-violent is clearly the opposite of violent, so it does not glorify violence. Without taking a position here, it nevertheless seemed reasonable to rename the article in compassionate communication in order to emphasize that this entry aims to promote peace-loving communication and not any form of violence.

Non-violent communication is often equated with Marshall B. Rosenberg. This can lead to people not engaging with other helpful communication tools such as conscious dialogue and thus closing off opportunities. It should also always be remembered that these are suggestions and not fixed rules. You can adapt the communication to your way of life, your feelings and your needs.

In some situations, it can be difficult not to give in to your emotions and impulsiveness. Non-violent communication and conscious dialogue are based on reflection. However, when emotions boil over, it can be challenging to focus on the content of non-violent communication, remain calm and not reproach or criticize the other person.

Another difficulty is that some people do not find it easy to talk about their feelings and needs. For such people, it is probably uncomfortable to engage in non-violent communication or conscious dialogue. It is true that you can create a pleasant atmosphere for this person and reassure him or her that practice helps and facilitates communication. However, the fact that the other person is reluctant, irregular or even unwilling to open up is a barrier and can lead to further conflict. A basic prerequisite for the communication strategies mentioned is mutual interest. If only one person is open to non-violent communication or conscious dialogue, an imbalance and unpleasant situation can arise. It may even upset the other person that you place a lot of value on detailed, empathic communication because they may want a quicker, less analyzing response. Trust your gut feeling and judgement here. To become more confident, one needs to gain personal experience and recognizing which aspects of the approaches presented above work for you and feel natural after a period of familiarization.

In sum

Non-violent communication is a way of communicating that allows you to recognize and express your observations, feelings, needs and requests. It is used in different (work) environments.
The goal is to act more consciously and less impulsive.
Non-violent communication and conscious dialogue can reduce misunderstandings and resolve conflicts, thereby strengthening interpersonal relationships and improving the environment and personal skills.
Use the tools to reflect on your own patterns of thinking and speaking: try to distinguish between judgement and observation, thoughts and feelings, demands and requests, and take responsibility for your own thoughts and actions.
Rosenberg coined the term non-violent communication and represents one prominent approach to it, yet this approach should not be followed like a dogma but instead needs to be adapted and applied in different contexts. It is and remains a therapeutic and subjective construct, yet some constructs are helpful. Pick out the aspects that work for you! If you think of it as a recipe, you can replace the ingredients you don't like and see if you end up with a fulfilling meal. If not, do it differently next time and keep gaining experience. Find out which aspects of the approach suit you and adapt them to your nature and needs.

Literature

Adriani, Paula Arquioli; Hino, Paula; Taminato, Mônica; Okuno, Meiry Fernanda Pinto; Santos, Odilon Vieira; Fernandes, Hugo (2024): Non-violent communication as a technology in interpersonal relationships in health work: a scoping review. In: *BMC Health Services Research* 24 (1), S. 289. DOI: 10.1186/s12913-024-10753-2.

Holler, I., (2016). Trainingsbuch Gewaltfreie Kommunikation, 8. überarbeitete und erweiterte Auflage.

Moeller, M.L., (2020). Die Wahrheit beginnt zu zweit. Das Paar im Gespräch. 40. Aufl. Reinbek bei Hamburg: Rowohlt Taschenbuch Verlag.

Rosenberg, M. B. (2016). Gewaltfreie Kommunikation: Eine Sprache des Lebens (I. Holler, Übers.) (12., überarbeitete und erweiterte Auflage). Reihe Kommunikation, gewaltfreie Kommunikation. Junfermann Verlag.

Sofer, O. J. (2018). Say what you mean: A mindful approach to non-violent communication.